Note: This is a satirical piece.
Biden lied again. The legacy corporate media covers for him, so you might not have heard about it. Biden told a doozie this time about his uncle getting eaten by cannibals.
Biden said his “Uncle Bosie” was shot down in a plane he was flying in combat over New Guinea during WWII, and then he was eaten by cannibals. But the true story has come out because the Pentagon keeps records. Uncle Bosie was not flying the plane (he was a passenger), it was not shot down (both engines failed) and it crashed into the Pacific Ocean, not into New Guinea.
And there is no record of cannibals eating Uncle Bosie.
White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre cleaned up after Biden’s lies on this one. She was mad and told him to stay in his lane, because lying to the nation is her job.
She said, “The president had an emotional and, I think, a symbolic moment.” What a sweet attempt to whitewash yet another crazy statement. But to be fair to Karine, the only thing she has in her “binder,” as it is called, is to blame everything on “systemic racism” or “global warming.” You step outside those bounds with a cannibal story and you lose your cover.
In response to a question from Peter Doocy of Fox News about Biden’s cannibal story, Jean-Pierre said at an April 19 press briefing, “He lost his life. It’s not, look, I’m not, we should not make jokes about this.” That said, here I go making jokes.
Who among us has not completely made up a story about having a relative who was eaten by cannibals? And what better way is there to honor the memory of a dead relative than to put a “He got eaten by cannibals” story out there?
I hope my kids honor me when I die by telling people I was eaten by cannibals. And I hope, since I write satire, the cannibals think I tasted funny.
Given years of plagiarizing, lying about his college class rankings and the like, this seems like a fun lie. It’s one we can all enjoy; it shows Joe is mellowing.
I am reminded of when Jeffrey Dahmer once reviewed Burger King on Yelp. He said, “It is pretty good, but I prefer Five Guys.” Cannibalism is something most people attribute to the young. In Dahmer’s case, his parents noticed that he cheered at all the wrong places during “Silence of the Lambs.”
One reporter actually tried to verify the Biden/Uncle Bosie/New Guinea cannibals story. One guy said that would have never happened and that they hate Biden. His wife said, “Well, honey, you should try him with gravy.”
From all of Biden’s fanciful stories I feel that we have heard the plot before. Remember when he almost fought a guy named “Corn Pop” at a pool when he was a kid? Aaaah, good times. If you pay close attention to the story, he might be confusing his experience with “West Side Story.”
I get it. All presidents lie — except, famously, George Washington. He chopped down a cherry tree and his father caught him. George immediately confessed, mostly because he was standing next to the cherry tree with an axe in his hand. There’s a chance this is merely legend, but it’s still a great story.
There are cannibals in the world, like in Haiti (allegedly), where gangs of them run the country. They are politically in control. If they are not called the Donner Party, then that is just a missed opportunity.
Our State Department has warned Americans traveling in Haiti: “If you are invited to a dinner party in Haiti, don’t go.” It is the only international “Don’t” that Biden’s folks have seen fit to follow.
It is sad in Haiti. A lawless, money-grubbing, corrupt gang has not run that country since the Clinton Foundation.
Aside from the Donner party, there was some cannibalism when the first Americans settled at Jamestown. One particularly harsh winter there were reports of cannibalism among the colonists. We are lucky it didn’t catch on; imagine how different Thanksgiving would be today.
Ron Hart is a libertarian op-ed humorist, an award-winning author, and a frequent guest on TV and radio. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.
The views and opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of the Daily Caller.