The United States has won another victory over the British Empire, capping a string of conquests that includes George Washington’s triumph over Cornwallis at the Siege of Yorktown, Andrew Jackson’s defeat of Edward Pakenham at the Battle of New Orleans, and Madonna’s circumcision of Guy Ritchie during the transatlantic couple’s volatile eight-year marriage.
In this latest victory over our oldest enemy, American ingenuity has turned the impossible-to-avoid birth of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s son into cold hard cash. Dunkin’ Donuts Tuesday announced the release of its newest product, a “Royal Munchkin” to celebrate the birth of Great Britain’s future figurehead.
The Royal Munchkin is “an old-fashioned Munchkin donut hole treat gently dipped in pink, blue and white sprinkles representing traditional new baby colors. The Royal Munchkin will be available in a variety of quantities, including 25-count or 50-count boxes, for a limited time this week at participating Dunkin’ Donuts restaurants nationwide,” read the press release.
The New England based donut chain could not resist the temptation to be clever and will feast in final victory on the profits it makes with new donut holes that are the same as always, with some differently colored jimmies.
Americans from coast to coast remain dejected by the royal birth and fearful of a covetous new heir who will strive to bring the struggling United States back under the British heel. But the Royal Munchkin helps keep the empire at bay. Just as Cold War capitalism won out when t-shirts and other kitsch items featuring communist killer Che Guevara sold like hotcakes, Yankee ingenuity has again turned a foreign prince or potentate into a chance to make a dollar — an American dollar, that is.
Long live the Queen, God Bless America!