Satire

Is Going To Jail The Best Weight Loss Program Known To Man?

OPINION
OJ Simpson

Sholeh Moll/REUTERS

Jena Greene Reporter
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Hear me out on this.

I’m a big TV watcher. I follow celebs. I live for the dramatic ups and downs. You could say I have my finger on the pop culture pulse.

And one of the shows I follow pretty closely is ‘The Real Housewives Of New Jersey’. Last year, one of the housewives went to prison for bank fraud and came out on the other side in insane shape.

Here she is before her sentencing.

And here she is after:

Split leg squat

A post shared by TERESA GIUDICE (@teresagiudice) on

She revealed that during jail, she went down a few dress sizes and is now able to hold a plank for close to 10 minutes. It’s also been rumored that her husband (who’s currently in jail on similar charges) has shed 45 pounds so far.

So it didn’t come as much of a surprise when reports began to surface about “Dance Moms” star Abby Lee Miller’s incredible prison weight loss. Entertainment Tonight claims she lost 100 pounds since her sentencing.

Sometimes in life you make mistakes I trusted the wrong people and didn’t pay any attention to things I should of. I’m more than sorry for the mistakes I have made. My world flipped upside down when I had to enter prison. I did so with grace, the stories you read about me been a princess are untrue. I have made friends with both inmates and staff, I’ve tried to better myself, participated in anything offered to me and I am a better person for this experience. All the press stories and speculation are not entirely correct however, I am feeling hopeful but no dates have been confirmed at this time. I am feeling great and ready to turn over a new leaf thank you so much to everyone for your support especially my nearest and dearest I love you all ( and yes this is me in prison ) #abbyleemiller #abbylee #dancemoms #dance #aldc

A post shared by Abby Lee Miller (@therealabbylee) on

Plenty of high profile people have done it. Martha Stewart shed 10 pounds when she was in the clink. OJ Simpson lost 100 pounds while he did time for armed robbery and kidnapping. And while it wasn’t officially reported how much weight rapper Gucci Mane lost — his girlfriend hyped his post-prison weight loss as soon as he got out.

Babe showing off his abs

A post shared by Keyshia Ka’oir Davis (@keyshiakaoir) on

Which got me thinking. Is prison the best weight loss program known to man?

Prison isn’t a new concept. But I like to think that a prison weight loss program is. Every once and a while, my brain comes up with ideas that are so good I sit back and wonder why I don’t have a degree from Harvard University. This is one of those times.

Think about it. What are the excuses people usually use for not losing weight? I’m too busy, I’m tired, I like junk food too much, I drink all my calories. The list goes on.

Prison is the one place where none of those excuses exist. There’s no such thing as a schedule conflict. There’s no booze and no junk food. You get plenty of sleep and have access to a gym or at least a cell to do push ups in. Even free citizens try to mimic the jail lifestyle by doing things called the “prison workout.” There’s basically zero excuse for being a chubby inmate.

So next time you get down on yourself for being a little on the heavy side, take a sec to consider what you’d look like if you did a few months in jail. I’m not telling you to go out and commit a crime. I’m just saying, nobody goes to prison for the cheesecake.

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