Last month, the good folks at NASA announced that their high-powered Keppler telescope had revealed over 1,200 possible new planets. So, it seems more and more likely that we are not alone in this big, bad universe. Now we’d all like to think that the aliens who come here first will be cute and cuddly like E.T., or like those music-loving little fellas in “close encounters of the third kind.” But you know they won’t be — things are never that easy. They’ll probably be more like those little bastards that Sigourney Weaver had to stomp on in “aliens.” They’ll be mean, tough, and likely pretty pissed off from the long drive to get here.
So my question to you is this: Who’s in charge when the aliens attack? Now, before you start writing some names on that ballot, let’s run down some of our current world leaders and see who’s really up for it. Barack Obama . . . he lost me when he wore mommy jeans to throw out a first pitch. Plus, he just got knocked around in a pick-up hoops game for crying out loud, so he’s not the answer. How about Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi? Well, he’s probably only useful if the aliens are actually busty 19-year-old chicks, so let’s cross him off the list. I’d like to think that Kim Jong Il could be the man, simply because he’s so damn crazy. I could see him meeting the aliens and then start windmill-punching them like the psycho kid at recess after he’s been picked on too much.
But as much as I’d like to see the Kimmer get his moment in the sun, he’s just too unstable to be relied upon. No — there really is just one man for the job and his name is Putin. That’s right, Vlad Putin — the man who has redefined what it means to be a badass. This guy is fighting tigers with knives, doing karate, flying planes over forest fires to dowse the flames with water — and let’s not forget that he’s doing all of this while he runs the Russian state like the Corleone family. And doesn’t he also come across as the guy James Bond would be squaring off against? I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a trapdoor in front of his desk that opened up to a pool of piranhas. Now, if you put this guy in charge when the aliens attack, they’re going to think twice about messing with planet Earth. I can see him now, shirt off, brandishing a sword like his Cossack forefathers as he takes down the head alien and screams, “This is Sparta!”
You know the aliens would put a big warning label next to our little planet — letting everyone know that if you mess with the bull, you get the horns. Big Russian horns, baby, that take no prisoners. So, who you gonna call? Vlad the Impaler, my friends, and then it’s das vi danya, you alien scum.
Marc Sterne is the long-time sidekick “Nigel” on the Tony Kornheiser Radio Show. He’s been in radio for over 15 years — primarily in Washington, D.C. — working in music, sports, and news talk. He’s also a standup comedian — and is the reigning champion of D.C.’s Funniest Sports Celebrity.
Who do you think should lead the world in the event of an alien invasion? Share you thoughts in the comments section.