Say hello to Washington Free Beacon‘s Truth Monkey. He flies under the radar in anonymity and swings around in trees. But somehow we’ve struck up a friendship over the years, but only on Twitter. (He’s @TheTruthMonkey if you want to get in touch and increase his Klout score.) He refuses to tell me who he is, but said he might meet me at a dark bar sometime. Still, there’s so much I don’t know about him. (By the way, I assume it’s a him, but who knows what gender Monkey is? He could be transgender for all I know — Bruce Jenner is, after all, his celebrity crush.)
Asked what kind of a newsroom employee is — if he’s a team player and such — WFB Executive Editor Sonny Bunch did not have rave reviews. He told The Mirror, “Honestly, I could do without him. Kind of a prima donna. Constantly Googling himself (narcissists are the worst), getting into feuds with randos on Twitter, and turning in copy that’s so sloppy I have to edit it by hand and send it back to him so he can see what he’s doing wrong. Smells like bananas, to which I am allergic. Easily my least favorite employee.”
Bunch asked, “What’s this for? Did we send him to CPAC or something?”
No doubt Truth Monkey doesn’t give two shits about what Bunch thinks. He self-describes as “big and hairy and hard to carry.” He also calls himself a “troll.”
Let’s find out more.
Bona Fides
Hometown: Washington, DC
Age: 3 (5 ½ in monkey years)
Named for: Truth.
First job ever: Sign spinner at Ashley Schaeffer Imports.
Current employment: Mascot/Director of trolling for FreeBeacon.com
If someone wants to get on your good side, what candy or liquor should they ply you with? Are bananas candy? I like bananas.
Most exotic place you’ve ever visited: The University of Arkansas Special Collections Department.
Why do you think Washington is so polarized? And please consider your answer in terms of boring us. This is a boring question.
Who is your celebrity crush? Bruce Jenner.
Least favorite word: Psaki.
A thought that makes you want to cry: President Clinton.
Weirdest habit you’ve observed in a newsroom (workplace) setting? On advice of legal counsel I refuse to answer this question.
Time you spend on Twitter each day (be honest): Depends on whether @stelisew has taken away my computer privileges for the day or not. I love Tweeting.
If you had to kiss a politician who would it be? Barbara Boxer.
Queen Latifah or Dr. Oz? Queen Latifah.
Katie Couric or Diane Sawyer? Katie and I already dated, so Diane.
What’s next for you? What would you do with your life if absolutely nothing could stop you? I hope I never work anywhere else, unless the New York Times fires their mascot, Tom Friedman. If nothing could stop me, I would time travel to the future after the apes take over.
If you could encapsulate your predominant life philosophy in a phrase or a mantra, what would it be? Shit happens when you party with @BiffDiddle.
Do you believe in 5-year plans? If so, where do you hope to be in 5 years? I’d like to have an office without bars on the windows. And I’d like to be on the cover of The New Republic.
Stolen from Inside the Actors studio: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? “Should I let Sonny Bunch in with you?”
Pick one: Homeland, Veep, House of Cards or Scandal: Monday Night Raw.
Pick one: CNN’s New Day, MSNBC’s Morning Joe or Fox & Friends: Fox & Friends.
ABC’s GMA or NBC’s TODAY Show? Today Show for Kathie Lee and Hoda, duh.
If you had to have a U.S. senator or congressman as your father who would it be? Rosa DeLauro.
Since this is The Mirror Questionnaire, what would you change about yourself physically if you could? I’d like my feet to be furrier. They get very cold in the winter.
And your personality? I wouldn’t change it.
Preferred beach anywhere in the world: Bells Beach, Australia during a 50 year storm, come on compadre!
Guilty pleasure TV show: The Ed Show.
The snack you eat most: Kittens.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how self-obsessed are you? (10 being you can’t tear yourself away from your own daily Google search and 1 meaning you often spend time in the country away from your computer and don’t give a crap about your Klout score.) 10.
Workout regimen: Watch this.
Pick one – flabby thighs, cankles or love handles? Cankles.
Choose: Beautiful eyes, best personality or perfect legs? Best personality.
A thought that brings you great joy: President Joe Biden
A regret (of any kind): Not trying out for the Phoenix Suns mascot job.
Mika and Joe or Oprah and Steadman? Oprah and Gayle.
Any brushes with death? If so, please describe. Every time Matthew Continetti sends me out to play in traffic.
Just a preference Q: Bo or Sunny? Michelle.
Most annoying thing your editor (boss) does: Not replying to my Snapchats.
Rank how hairy your butt is: 1 to 10? Infinity.
Go for a stroll in the park with one of the following and explain the reason for your choice. 1. Rosie O’Donnell, The View. 2. CNN’s Chris Cuomo. 3. FNC’s Megyn Kelly. Or 4. Bo Obama. Bo because he parties hard and has probably pooped in the Obama bedroom, something I’ve always wanted to do. Bo has been a good source of intel over the years, look for him in the acknowledgements section of my forthcoming autobiography.
When was the last time you were, if ever, naked outside? Am I technically always naked or do I need a full body wax to be naked?
From The Sunday Times’ Toby Harnden: If you could tell one person to their face that they’re full of shit, with no consequences, who would it be? Madeleine Albright.
From Al Jazeera’s David Shuster: If you had to watch or read a news report in a language you didn’t understand, what language would it be and why? David Shuster is full of shit.
From lefty radio host Bill Press: Where’s the one place in Washington you’d love to have sex, but can’t? I’d love to mate in the National Zoo.
From former Rep. Weiner’s ex-phone sex partner Sydney Elaine Leathers: Who is the worst journalist on your favorite news channel? Tamron Hall.
From Washington Free Beacon’s Lachlan Markay: Which universally acclaimed piece of literature, art, film, or music can you simply not stand? Soccer.
From SiriusXM’s Julie Mason: What is the lie you always tell about yourself? I tell the truth, duh.
From freelancer and journalism prof Steve Friess: If you were the opposite of your sexual orientation, name three people you’d sleep with. King Kong Grape Ape and Magilla Gorilla.
From Stateless Media’s Peter Savodnik: Why do you matter? If it weren’t for me, your news organization wouldn’t be considering hiring a mascot. Editor’s note: WE ARE?
From motivational author and blogger Sophia Nelson: What do you want people to say about you – not when you die, but as you live? What the hell was that?
From New York Post’s Tara Palmeri: If you could give one politician or talking head a makeover, who would it be and what would you do? I’d make Thomas Roberts wear a more realistic toupee.
From Mediaite’s Editor-in-Chief Andrew Kirell: Which book would you bring to a book burning? [Don’t say you’re against book burning. We all are.] The Audacity of Hope.
Please provide a question for the next lucky victim of The Mirror Questionnaire. Make it good. It may live on indefinitely. Marry, Sex, Kill: Ed Schultz, John Heilemann, Andrea Mitchell.