Former President Donald Trump faces up to 717.5 years in prison for questioning the results of the 2020 election that was run by the same government that has meddled in foreign elections for decades. But why stop at 717.5 years? This man should be held accountable for everything.
Here are some of the additional charges Trump should face if justice will ever be served:
A very real and totally trustworthy source told the Daily Caller that Trump once hosted a bingo session that lasted longer than five hours, which is illegal in the state of North Carolina. This should carry an automatic ten-year sentence.
When the former president isn’t traveling between courts, legend says he heads down to New Orleans where he tells fortunes for fun on the nights and weekends. While this should clearly disqualify him from even holding citizenship, we will be generous here and say this offense warrants only 25 years to life.
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA – AUGUST 4: Former U.S. President Donald Trump dances on stage during the Alabama Republican Party’s 2023 Summer meeting at the Renaissance Montgomery Hotel on August 4, 2023, in Montgomery, Alabama. (Photo by Julie Bennett/Getty Images)
And as Trump faces a slew of charges in Georgia for allegedly trying to overturn the election, Fulton County district attorney Fani Willis missed one: Trump should have been charged for living on a boat for more than 30 days. Even though we have zero proof that he even owns a boat in Georgia, Willis easily could’ve slipped this charge in. Her laziness is repulsive. We recommend lethal injection.
Meanwhile, during one of his North Carolina rallies, as Trump danced along to the YMCA, he could be heard lightly singing. But experts who tuned in very closely noticed he was singing off key, which is illegal. Trump should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law — and then some. For this crime, we don’t recommend jail time, but rather community service in the form of a global tour with the World Children’s Choir.
President Joe Biden is known to love ice cream, but it was Trump who weaponized delicious ice cream cones to break the law in not one, but three states. Trump was last seen walking down the streets of Alabama, Kentucky and Georgia with an ice cream cone in his back pocket. He should be forced to serve at a Ben & Jerry’s location in Burlington, Vermont, for 30 years.
If you’ve been in Florida lately, you might have noticed a strange, swampy smell after 6:00 p.m. It’s because Trump has been saving his farts for after 6:00 so that he could break the law (and our noses). Authorities cleared Eric Swalwell of wrongdoing, as a female Chinese spy familiar with Swalwell‘s thinking tells us he was not present at the time of the eruption. (RELATED: Did Eric Swalwell Just Fart Live On MSNBC?)
And last, but certainly not least, criminal mastermind Donald Trump should be convicted immediately for committing crimes against humanity as an insurgent during the breakup of Yugoslavia. We have no evidence Trump had ever been to Yugoslavia (while it still existed, God rest its soul), or that he committed war crimes if he did, but we just have a gut feeling on this one.
Scoops Delacroix contributed to this piece.