House Speaker Kevin McCarthy has been deposed. Long live … who?
Sure, there are already reports of a few names floating around, like Reps. Jim Jordan of Ohio, Steve Scalise of Louisiana and Kevin Hern of Oklahoma. But we now have reason to believe those are just elaborate false flags.
While taking a leak in the bathroom of the Cannon House Office Building on Wednesday, this reporter discovered a crumpled piece of paper on the floor next to the urinal. It contained a short list of the real speaker candidates currently under consideration by the biggest power brokers in Washington. (RELATED: Steve Scalise Announces Run For Speaker Of The House)
The Daily Caller has yet to complete the handwriting analysis necessary to identify the author, but over 50 former intelligence officials have assured us it bears all the marks of having totally not been written by a bunch of Hill interns screwing around on their lunch break.
Whoever wrote (or dictated) it is certainly willing to think outside the box. And why shouldn’t they? The Constitution specifies the “House of Representatives shall chuse their Speaker.” It doesn’t say anything about the requirements for that office.
Commander Biden
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Commander Biden is a dog. Dogs can’t serve as speaker of the House.”
Well shut up, bigot! Haven’t you ever seen “Air Bud”? I’m pretty sure he gets elected to Congress in one of those movies. And, need I remind you, the Constitution just says “chuse their Speaker.” It doesn’t say “chuse a human being as their Speaker.” If the Founders wanted to reserve the office to homo sapiens, they would’ve told us that (also, it’s kinda embarrassing that they misspelled “choose”).
But what were these mysterious list makers thinking with this choice? I think I’ve figured it out.
For one thing, all dogs are Republicans. It’s obvious from their fierce sense of loyalty, their centuries-old association with the masculine virtues and their hatred for the taxpayer-funded boondoggle known as the U.S. Postal Service. All cats, incidentally, are Trotskyites.
That’s obvious, though. Think bigger. Why did McCarthy lose his gavel? Because he compromised with the Democrats to keep the government open. If GOP higher-ups are seeking to avoid a repeat of that situation, there’s no better choice than Commander. If Democratic leadership even tries to negotiate with him, he’ll literally eat their faces.
🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
Biden’s dog has a taste for blood! pic.twitter.com/E58eYWCm6Q
— Steve Guest (@SteveGuest) October 4, 2023
You think Hakeem Jeffries is going to risk marring those disconcertingly chiseled features? Not a chance!
Nick Adams
We’ve had our first female speaker. Now it’s time for our first alpha male speaker.
Ok so, he’s Australian. Does the Constitution say “chuse their Speaker as long as he isn’t from DOWN UNDAH”? No. It doesn’t. And frankly you just look ridiculous when you act like you’re smarter than James Madison.
The main benefit of an Adams speakership would be making Congress immeasurably more chill. Let’s just say Democrat and Republican wouldn’t be the only parties in the building. He could also usher in a golden age of dealmaking. It’s just easier to find common ground during a friendly foursome than during some boring-ass committee hearing.
This is a risky choice, though. From day one, Adams would have to fight GOP budget hawks to push through his signature policy proposal — government bailouts for cash-strapped Hooters franchises.
SUNDAY: Gym, Church, Foursome, & Hooters
MONDAY: Gym, Deals, Foursome, & Hooters
TUESDAY: Gym, Deals, Steak, & No Tacos
WEDNESDAY: Gym, Investments, & Foursome
THURSDAY: Gym, Deals, Steaks, & Foursome
FRIDAY: Gym, Hard Work, & Foursome
SATURDAY: Gym, Money, Foursome, & Hooters— Nick Adams (Alpha Male) (@NickAdamsinUSA) October 3, 2023
Barron Trump
Another brilliant pick. Former President Donald Trump’s name has been floated for the speakership, of course, but he’s busy running for president. With Barron holding the gavel, the once and future president could relax, knowing the House was in good hands. (RELATED: Trump Addresses Calls For Him To Be The Next House Speaker)
“But Scoops,” I can hear you sniveling in your puny, effeminate voice, “Barron Trump is still a child.” I’m sorry. Let me just check my pocket Constitution real quick. Oh, huh. That’s funny. I can’t find the word “adult” anywhere in Article I, Section 2, Clause 5.
The people who made this list know what they’re doing, dear reader. I’m sure they’ve locked down the Capitol and are frantically searching for the missing list as you sit there, scrolling smugly through my award-winning journalism.
Anyway, why should being 17 disqualify Barron from serving as House speaker? Alexander the Great was younger than that when he won his first battle. Henry VIII took the throne at 17 and made nothing but good, rational decisions for the next 38 years.
This is the problem with our society. Boomers hoard all the good jobs for themselves and refuse to retire, while millennials and zoomers spend their careers in entry-level limbo. Well, enough is enough. It’s time to end the American gerontocracy once and for all, and what better way to do that than by appointing a House speaker who can’t even vote?
Barron also has the advantage of being roughly nine feet tall, allowing him to tower imperiously over the mere mortals he’d be charged with corralling. Of course McCarthy got voted out. He’s not even six foot.
O.J. Simpson
The next name is none other than Mr. “If The Glove Don’t Fit, You Must Acquit” himself.
Now, O.J. would obviously come with some baggage. There’s no denying that. Once again, though, there’s nothing in the Constitution requiring the speaker be a non-felon. And as with other names on this list, there’s method to the insanity.
For one thing, the Juice has proven he can assemble a group of high-performing individuals — a “Dream Team,” if you will — to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles. He’s also already used to being a polarizing figure, an important trait for any GOP speaker.
Plus, he’s actually pretty based on the issue of transgender athletes. (RELATED: ‘Just Isn’t Fair’: O.J. Simpson Opens Up About Transgender Athletes Being In Women’s Sports)
Dennis Hastert
This one seems like a no-brainer. Dennis Hastert is a former GOP congressman from Illinois who served as House speaker from 1999 to 2007. Seriously. Where’s the downside here? He already knows how the sausage is made. No need for on-the-job training.
Yeah, he’s 81 years old, but that’s still younger than Pelosi was when she gave up the gavel. And yeah, he’s been out of Congress for 16 years, but I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike.
Honestly, Hastert seems like the party’s best bet. I haven’t googled him or anything, but as long as he hasn’t done anything crazy since leaving office, he’d be the ideal choice.